If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
