i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
