Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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