My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
