She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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