really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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