I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
