No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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