Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
