Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
