FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
