im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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