I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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