i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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