oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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