I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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