Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
