My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
