um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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