he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Holy sore nipples Batman
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
