On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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