In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
