Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
