Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I want her autograph on my taint
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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