He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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