farters have to be the big spoon...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Fuck appropriateness.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
ok first of all what the fuck
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
