just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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