I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Randomize
