he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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