dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
