I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm having to shit out rocks
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