Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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