After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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