saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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