when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
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