Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
