mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
