Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
