To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I wear drunk well.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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