Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
