yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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