So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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