I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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