I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
