anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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