Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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