just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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