I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
