also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
