I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
