Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
