yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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