no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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