Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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