Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
