Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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