The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
