i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
