hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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