How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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