So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
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I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
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Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?